Malachai on the Enterprise
by MalachaiTheVulcan
Summary: MalachaiTheVulcan gets a mysterious item for his birthday, and finds himself in the universe of Star Trek: Enterprise. One-sided MalachaiXArcher.


**Category:** Star Trek: Enterprise

**Title:** Malachai on the Enterprise

**Rating:** M

**Genre:** Humor

**Pairing:** … It's a long list. You really want to ask? One-sided MalachaiXArcher mainly, though.

**Warning(s):** Heavy Language, Violence, Sexual Innuendo (In-your-endo)

**Summary:** MalachaiTheVulcan gets a mysterious item for his birthday, and finds himself in the universe of Star Trek: Enterprise. One-sided MalachaiXArcher.

* * *

"Happy birthday."

The monotone voice behind him quickly alerted Malachai to the presence of his best friend, Elli, who just happened to be stepping into his apartment with a large wooden box under her arm. What with the girl's small frame and shadowed eyes, Kai was surprised that she hadn't dropped the box and fallen asleep on the stairwell, as she often was when locked out of her apartment while he was at work or in class. Kai, being a "student of the dramatic arts" at the nearby university while also working part-time at the Taco Bell down the street.

"Thanks, sweetie," said Kai, rolling his eyes and taking the box as she offered it, kissing her on the cheek and heading into the small kitchen, accidentally tripping on an old Transformer doll (action figure!) on the way, and placing the box on the counter, pulling off the lid and breathing deeply, absorbing the scent of chocolate, caramel, and nuts. Ah, his birthday cake. It was times like these that he was glad that Elli was in culinary school.

"So, anyone else coming tonight?" asked Elli, poking her head into the kitchen with the same Transformer that Kai had tripped on in her gloved hands. Kai shrugged, ignoring the fact that Elli was not paying attention as she chewed on the Transformer's head thoughtfully.

"Ma, Dad, Ray, my cousin Gina, Andy, Nick, and your parents are all coming. Oh, and my mom's cousin Lisa is, too. I've never met her, but she's a big Trekkie, so…Yeah. I invited her to come along, since she'll be in town for the weekend," replied Kai, pulling the beautifully-decorated and scrumptious-looking chocolate cake from the box and opening the fridge skillfully with his foot, setting it on the top shelf and pulling out a beer, offering it to her. She shook her head, continuing to nibble on the Transformer, so he shrugged and closed the fridge again, popping open the beer and swigging about a quarter of the can, leaning against the counter beside her.

"Who's this Lisa woman?" asked Elli, putting down the Transformer finally and grabbing his beer from his hand and taking a sip herself, causing Kai to sigh and roll his eyes before taking it back and finishing it.

"My mom's cousin, like I said," said Kai, turning to leave the room and go into the living room, leaving Elli to stare at the newly-cleaned room in horror.

"What the fuck happened in here?!" she asked in horror, flopping down beside him on the futon and turning to look and see what he was watching on television. "And why the fuck are you watching Star Trek: Enterprise?!"

"It was on. And Archer is sexy as shit, man," said Kai, eyeing the brunette captain on the screen as though the man was a piece of meat… Or something dirtier. Elli rolled her eyes, smacking him upside the head and leaning against him.

"I prefer Commander Tucker."

"Naw, man. Archer is the shit. And you get to see him naked, which--," started Kai, only to be cut off as the doorbell rang. He jumped up, causing Elli to fall sideways on the couch, and laughing as she let out a noise that sounded a lot like a very nasty chain of swearing. Kai laughed again, rolling his eyes and heading to the door and opening it, only to have a large red bag shoved into his hands. "Hey, Ray."

"Wassup, mallard?" replied the shorter, lighter-haired boy, heading into the living room. "Wassup, Ellz? Lose another boy-toy?"

"Fuck you, Hellraiser!" came Elli's muffled reply, obviously muffled by the futon beneath her face. Kai rolled his eyes, before turning to find his mother and father standing there, both smiling amusedly.

"Happy birthday, Mal," said his father, grinning and patting him on the shoulder. Kai reddened slightly, nodding. He wasn't sure if he liked seeing his dad this way (the man had been on anti-depressants for a coupla weeks now), but he definitely getting used to having a calmer father. It was better than having the anti-social nervous wreck he'd grown up. Maybe Jack could be a better role model to Ray now.

"Yeah, yeah. What'd ya get me?" he said jokingly, holding his hand out. His dad laughed, holding out what was obviously a CD wrapped in newspaper. He took it, winking and gestured them in, catching sight of the wiry-haired woman behind them. The woman looked at him with wide blue eyes, smiling slightly before entering, reaching a hand out from underneath her thick purple shawl to him.

"Hello. I'm Lisa, your mother's cousin. You must be Malachai," she said, and he nodded, taking her hand and shaking it and closing the door, leading the three into the living room, only to find that Elli and Ray were now wrestling on the floor, and Elli seemed to be losing badly. Kai laughed. It didn't help that Ray was stockier than both him and Elli, but the fact that Elli had the same body type as when she was sixteen always seemed to work in the younger one's favor.

"Malachai, I need a favor," said Lisa, placing a hand on Kai's shoulder. He turned to her, only to have a small parcel shoved into his hands. "I need you to take this. Open it away from everyone else. It's very old and powerful."

Kai raised an eyebrow, but nodded, smiling and heading to his room. He jumped up onto his bed, closing his door with his feet as he moved. He slid the paper off of the object, raising an eyebrow at the futuristic-looking piece of machinery in his hands. Suddenly, there was a flash, and a thump, and everything went dark.

***

Kai groaned, sitting up and holding his head. "What the fuck did I do last night?" he wondered aloud, only to hear someone clear their throat loudly. He was suddenly very aware that he was in a hospital bed, with a very familiar, very curious-looking creature staring at him with wide eyes. "Oh…Uh…Yo."

"'Yo', indeed," replied the creature, pursing his lips and approaching Kai with a vicious-looking object similar to the one he had received from his 'cousin Lisa'. He scooted back in the bed, eyes wide.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, it's not every day that you find an abandoned escape pod in empty space, practically devoid of all oxygen, with a single living organism inside. I need to check your vitals to make sure that you are not injured," said the creature, raising the item. "It is just a scanner."

Kai continued to stare at him with wide eyes, and he sighed.

"Do you remember your name, and age? Anything about your life?"

"Uh…My name is Malachai, but I go by Kai. I just turned twenty-two, and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Who the hell are you?" he asked fiercely, struggling to figure out why this creature looked so familiar. And then it hit him. Doctor Phlox. From Star Trek: Enterprise. And the next thought he had was, Seriously. What the fuck did I do last night?

"I am Doctor Phlox, of the Earth starship Enterprise. Where are you from?" asked Phlox, moving the scanner over Kai, from his head to his toes, before stepping back, obviously satisfied.

"E-Earth. I'm an American," said Kai, shaking his head and squinting slightly, trying to convince himself that this was just a dream. Suddenly, the doors opened to the sickbay, and he found himself turning a very bright shade of red.

"Ah, hello Captain," said Phlox, smiling. Captain Archer simply nodded back, his hazel eyes (I could never figure out what color they are) turning to Kai.

"Ah, it's good to see that our guest is awake," he said, approaching the bedside, and Kai couldn't help but edge away, continuing to fight his blush as Archer extended a hand. "Captain Jonathan Archer. Welcome aboard."

"Uh…Th-Thanks. I'm Kai Reynolds. **((Note: This is obviously not my real last name.))** I honestly don't know what ship I was on, but Dr. Phlox told me most of what I know now. Thanks for taking me in, though," said Kai, coughing slightly and shaking the taller man's hand vigorously. "I really appreciate it, sir."

"Whoa there, kid. Calm down. I'd rather not break a hand," laughed Archer, and Kai reddened again, releasing his hand again. "Well, according to Phlox's computers, you're fine. This is quite a surprise, what with the circumstances under which we found you."

Kai nodded, swinging his legs off of the bed and rising to his feet, only to find himself in what looked like an old hospital gown. He raised an eyebrow, looking at Phlox inquiringly.

"Your clothes seemed to be…shredded. Unfortunately, this was all we had. But you are free to stay on board until we find your ship, and you can borrow one of our spare uniforms. I'd say you're about Malcolm's size," said Archer, sizing up Kai calmly and causing Kai to blush again. Damn hormones. And damn Archer, looking at him like that.

Kai thanked Archer silently, before allowing the Captain to bring him a uniform. He pulled the curtains around his bed as he changed, running a hand through his spiky platinum hair and sighing. The uniform was kind of big on him, but it would do. He pulled on a pair of old tennis shoes the Captain had found, as well, before pulling the curtains back and letting the Captain lead him to the 'old guest quarters', where he actually had room to himself. Once the man had left, he found himself sighing in relief, collapsing onto the bed and looking up at the ceiling. Well, at least it couldn't be too bad. He knew most of the crew because of the show, and he'd already befriended the doctor and Captain, so the rest shouldn't be too hard, right?

Kai didn't know exactly how wrong he was.

***

"So, yeh're the newbie, eh?"

Kai looked up, only to find himself faced with Elli's favorite crewmember. Damn. He'd hoped that the Florida native would stay away from him, lest he be forced to knock out the aggravating engineer, who was now thunking down his tray of food across from Kai, sitting down himself. Kai eyed the seafood dish on the other's face with distaste, nodding and picking at his pasta silently.

"The silent type, too? Well, I'm Commander Tucker, but call me Trip. And you are…?" asked the engineer, watching Kai stab his pasta murderously. "..'N what'd that pasta ever do to you?"

"…I don't like replicated food. 'S not the same. I'm Kai," said Kai simply, lifting a forkful of the alfredo pasta to his lips and eating it. Trip laughed, and Kai raised an eyebrow.

"Well, now. For a second there, I thought you just didn't like me!" he said, laughing good-naturedly, falling silent when he felt Kai's green eyes glaring up at him. "Oh, I see. Well, sorry for trying to make friends."

Kai sighed as the engineer went to leave, and held his fork-less hand out to stop him. "Wait. I didn't mean it. Please, stay. I'm just tired, is all."

Trip studied his fellow blonde, before nodding and sitting back down. "So, you're from Earth, huh? Where from? 'M from Florida, myself. Panama City."

"Ohio. I was born in Manhattan," said Kai calmly, continuing to shovel the pasta into his mouth mercilessly. Trip gave him a funny look, before chuckling slightly.

"I hear it's cold in Ohio durin' the winter," said Trip casually, sipping at the carbonated beverage on his tray. Kai mimicked him, before rising and nodding his good-bye to the engineer, dumping the tray into the synthesizer and heading for the bridge, hoping to find the Captain and avoid any more awkward conversations.

As he stepped onto the bridge, Kai was suddenly aware of several eyes looking at him. He regained his composure, straightening his posture, before nearly tripping over his feet to hurry over to Captain Archer. The taller man looked at him, smiling in amusement, before raising his eyebrows and nodding at the young blonde.

"Er…Captain? I…Was wondering. You never really gave me a job to do, or anything…And I like doing stuff to pass the time…So...Is there anything I could do so as to not be bored out of my skull, as well as useless?" he asked, practically all in one breath, and Archer considered it for a moment.

"…Are you good with computers?"

"Define good," said Kai, blushing slightly as he remembered his old, beaten-up Macintosh in his bedroom, which was so obviously abused that Elli had ended up disconnecting his internet on the thing and bought him a laptop, making it fall into disuse."

"Medicine?"

"I know absolutely nothing, except the bones of my hand."

"…Is there anything you are good at?"

"Well…I'm an actor, and I learn fast. I like taking things apart and putting them back together." Thus the reason Elli had disconnected his Mac from the internet.

"Hmm…Do said things work when you put them back together?"

"Yes," said Kai. "…No…Sometimes."

Archer laughed, pressing a button on the arm of his chair, and he spoke quickly. "Bridge to Commander Tucker."

"What can I do ya for, Cap'n?"

"We're going to send Mr. Reynolds down to you. Give him basic engineer's training, and keep an eye on him, will you?" replied Archer, giving Kai a pointed look. Kai saluted, grinning, and Archer rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

"Will do, Cap'n. Send 'im down."

"Thanks, Trip. Archer out," he said, turning to Kai and tossing him a tricorder. "Follow the signs. If you get lost, bug Trip."

"Deal," said Kai, eyeing the Captain nervously as he shoved the tricorder into the breast pocket of his borrowed uniform, scratching the back of his head and darting from the bridge, wondering exactly how many awkward moments he was going to have until he found a way back home.

It wasn't until Kai reached Engineering that he realized that T'Pol hadn't been on the bridge. He may have been gay, but he wasn't that gay. Even he could appreciate T'Pol's Vulcan beauty. In fact, he could appreciate any Vulcan beauty. Spock's, especially. He'd had a soft spot for Vulcans since he was five. Before that, it had been Shatner that he'd liked, but Leonard Nimoy had been his first real crush (he'd been twelve).

He entered Engineering silently, catching sight of Tucker immediately, who made a bee-line for him the minute he had stepped through the door. He stopped Trip quickly. "Hey, where's that hot Vulcan lady that was wandering around the ship yesterday?" he asked quickly, and Trip sighed.

"She took a day off to do some crazy Vulcan voodoo or something," he said with a shrug, handing Kai and handbook and steering him over to the warp engines.

***

"Well, you seem to be efficient, at least," said Trip as he watched Kai work. Kai laughed, grinning up at him before going back to his work. He was actually starting to like Trip. He was kind of endearing, after a while anyway. He gently pulled a cable from its socket, replacing it with another and putting the cable into a socket a few inches away. The machine in front of him roared to life, causing Kai to grin and stand up, only to pause and turn to Trip.

"So...How did this thing break in the first place?" he asked, only to have Trip laugh nervously and turn away, muttering something about Kai not needing to know the details. He shrugged, only to turn when the tricorder in his pocket buzzed to life. He took it out, flipping it open. "Reynolds here."

"Reynolds, this is the bridge. We found something you might want to see."

Kai looked at Trip, who nodded his consent. Kai thanked him quickly, before turning and practically running back to the bridge, only to have them redirect him to Launch Bay 1. As he entered, he immediately caught sight of two old, battered escape pods with different numbers on the sides. They were obviously broken, and one had an open door with a dim light shining out.

"Captain?" he called uncertainly.

"In here!" called back a voice from inside the open pod. Kai trotted forward, poking his head inside, only to freeze. Inside, nestled into the driver's seat, was his best friend, Elli. Kai froze, eyes wide.

What the _hell_ was going on?!

* * *

**This actually came out better than I had expected. I kinda like how it came out, actually. Elli has been sitting here and giving me critique, and she thinks so, too. So, anyway. Read and review, or no chapter two!  
...Hey, that rhymed!**


End file.
